how to respond if someone comments on your body
Can you remember the first time someone commented on your body? Was it a compliment or an insult? Was it said in a jovial manner or was it posed as a matter of concern? Do you recall how it made you feel at the time?
For many of us, the way we feel about our body is deeply personal. When someone comments on it (good or bad) it can make us feel exposed and more conscious of our appearance. This can be particularly troubling when you’re trying to focus more on the function of your body rather than the way it looks.
It took me far too long to learn the lesson that you can’t change people. You’re not going to be able to stop Aunty Joan telling you about her next diet, or Uncle Jeff saying that you look like you’ve put on a few kilos since last Christmas. Most of us just smile uncomfortably and nod. We then model that as the appropriate response to our young people, and they too learn to tolerate those remarks.
As an adult I find comments on my appearance to be troubling, and I know my younger self felt the same. This was particularly the case when I was going through puberty. Puberty isn’t linear and we definitely don’t wake up one morning fully developed, but the difference from one Christmas to the next can be quite noticeable on a young person. While well intentioned (I hope), some comments on that change can draw more attention to a young person than they feel comfortable with.
I want to give you some tools that you can use to support your young people this Christmas if comments about their body or food choices are made. I’d also recommend that you try them out yourself and see if the frequency of appearance-based conversation changes as a result.
Before I get into ways you can teach young people to respond if someone comments, it is very important that you validate the feelings of your young person first. Let them know that they’re not being “too sensitive” or “overreacting” if a comment doesn’t sit right with them. It is okay to feel hurt.
Responding to a comment is a choice, one that is influenced by a few factors:
whether the comment was intended to be a compliment or an insult
who made the comment
how comfortable your young person feels saying something back to them
With that context in mind, let’s get into the strategies:
“my body is not up for discussion”
If they’re feeling confident, encourage your teen to stand up for themselves and say that their body is not up for discussion.
“I’d prefer we talk about something else”
Your teen can accept the comment (if they like) and then say, “people commenting on my body makes me uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else?” It is okay to intentionally change the topic.
walk away
One of the most powerful ways to let someone know that the comment they made was uncalled for is to simply walk away. This was a go to strategy of mine for a long time. I’d say that I had to use the bathroom and disappear. When I came back, I’d join a different conversation.
“in the future…”
Teach your teen how to set a boundary, they can say, “thank you for the compliment, but in the future I’d like it if you didn’t make comments on my appearance because it makes me feel ____”. This will hopefully help to prevent comments arising as frequently in the future.
Unfortunately comments on our body don’t stop when we reach a certain age, so giving teens strategies of how to navigate these comments is something that will benefit them now and in the future too.
As a final take away, I want to remind you (and by extension your young person) that your body isn’t the most special or important thing about you. You are worth so much more than that.
Want to learn more? I offer a six-week 1:1 program to support teens and parents to improve their relationship with food and their body. I know we all care so much about supporting young people, and helping them to feel confident and proud in their body, so I can’t wait to connect with you! We can chat here!
For extra inspiration, and free resources to support your teen, head over to Embrace Kids.
